You’ve probably witnessed a scene similar to this one before: A grown woman stomping her foot, whining cutely, pouting her lips and making eyes at her boyfriend. "Lao Gong," she might say, pitching her voice to resemble that of a petulant child, "you’re so horrible. You knew how much I wanted those shoes, and you went and bought yourself a new cell phone instead, so unfair! Humph!" She might cross her arms and look the other way, which is her boyfriend’s cue to give in, to tell her he’d buy her 12 pairs of shoes if she wanted him to, that her happiness is more important than say, making rent. If you’ve ever observed this from a Chinese woman (or perhaps been on the receiving end of such a display) then you know that there is a term for such behaviour, "sa jiao."
Sa Jiao does not easily translate into English. It could be called pouting, acting childishly, or being coquettish, but it does not have the negative connotations in Chinese society that such words do in English. It is considered cute and feminine, and a woman who does not engage in it might be seen as too hard, not womanly enough. Sa jiao, of course, is not just limited to persuading your boyfriend to buy you things. Sa jiao involves projecting a certain persona when you’re around the one you love. A girl might act clingy and needy. She might pretend to be incapable of doing things she’s actually quite capable of doing on her own. She might ask her boyfriend to kill the scary spiders in the bathroom or to help her rent an apartment. You will often hear Chinese women asking their boyfriends to "pei" or accompany them to this place or that, sometimes for seemingly no reason. One American man unleashed his Chinese girlfriend’s fury when he refused to accompany her to the vet when her dog was sick, this after seemingly endless requests to go with her on some mundane errand or another. This (feigned) inability to do anything on one’s own is also part of sa jiao.
And whereas most Western men do not find weak and childish behaviour particularly attractive in a woman, Chinese men are big fans of sa jiao. Having a woman who engages in such behaviour can, according to one Chinese man, make them feel strong and manly. It is a deeply engrained part of Chinese behaviour that has to do with traditional gender roles as well as with Chinese concepts of obligation. Sa jiao helps to ensure that everyone is playing their expected role. If the relationship progresses, the man will be expected to provide in full for his partner, which in modern terms often means that he’ll have to produce an apartment, a car and a steady job before a woman will even think of marrying him. While a Chinese woman may be very competent, and perfectly able to take care of herself, she will still expect her husband to support her, to look after her material needs while she does her part and looks after him physically and emotionally. Part of sa jiao is not appearing to be too independent or non-traditional, both of which are generally considered negative qualities by Chinese men. Chinese men may occasionally grow exasperated by sa jiao, but overall they consider it to be an important feminine quality and feel that it is worth the trouble, so to speak.
How foreigners handle sa jiao
Sa jiao often poses problems, however, for foreign men who date Chinese women, as, while some men may initially be attracted to the cutesy aspect of sa jiao, most men quickly grow irritated with what can be seen as a demanding attitude from their new girlfriend. Many can mistake sa jiao for materialism or even gold digging, when in fact sa jiao is usually less about acquiring things as it is a mindset. To a Chinese woman, sa jiao is about ensuring that her boyfriend cares enough for her to put her needs above his own, but to a Western man, sa jiao can feel suffocating. Western men often express frustration with their Chinese girlfriends – the jealousy, the constant testing of his love and commitment, the demands for gifts and the constant clinginess. Western society admires self sufficiency, independence and self confidence in both men and women. A Western woman who is too clingy or needy will quickly acquire a "high maintenance" label and will find herself much less lucky in love than her free spirited fun loving sisters who don’t mind if their boyfriends have female friends, who can squash a bug on their own, and who have steady (if non-threatening) careers. Sa jiao is pretty much the epitome of nearly every negative stereotype about the needy girlfriend, so it is little wonder that many Western men have trouble accepting it.
Understanding and identifying sa jiao is but one step towards having a healthier relationship with your Chinese partner. While Chinese people understand sa jiao and react to it intrinsically, foreigners often do not know how to handle a woman’s sa jiao. The main thing to remember is that the point of sa jiao is to give the man a chance to show how much he cares for his woman by putting her needs above his own, and for the woman to have a chance to show her deep gratitude for having his strong male presence in her life. It might be a bit outdated and old fashioned to most Westerners, but Western men who are seriously involved with a Chinese woman, especially one who uses sa jiao, should realise that the sorts of cultural attitudes which created sa jiao were not created overnight, nor will they be easily erased from a Chinese woman’s psyche. And while there are certainly Chinese women who don’t engage in sa jiao, they are the exception, not the rule. A man who doesn’t feel like he is up to handling a Chinese woman’s sa jiao might be better off looking for a girlfriend among his own countrymen, rather than seeking to change an attitude that most Chinese people don’t feel needs changing.
